The Toxic Masculinity That Can No Longer Be Our Norm

Image: Sergio Souza

“The best a man can get.”

For too long we’ve allowed taglines such as this one dictate what a man should be. We’ve allowed our relationships to be affected by them as well. Toxic masculinity can be seen worldwide, and has been widely accepted on many different levels. But how does this affect our mental health as men and our relationships with the women we love?

I sit and watch as two young boys are wrestling with each other, making sure they do not come too close to my daughter. One of the boys, clearly bigger than the other, pushes the smaller boy down. That boy then runs to his mother in tears. Now I sat back and watch as this mother grew angry with her son. She told him, “What the hell are you crying for? Get back over there and push him back!” Sounds crazy right? Well this is how it starts— a parent instilling toxic masculinity into their child. It is a pattern and I promise you she learned this same behavior. But where does this lead?

Boys become men and those men make decisions based off of past experiences and what they learned. So when it comes to relationships, how does his learning lessons in life dictate how he will react in a relationship?

Remember that young boy we talked about earlier? He is now in a relationship and his current girlfriend has done something to hurt his feelings, so how do you think he will react? This man was taught to show no emotion but anger, just like a huge percentage of men are taught. We aren’t taught how to vocalize our emotions, rather, we sit and stew in them while building anger and frustration and take that out on the ones we love. Sometimes men do so in violent ways.

Domestic Violence is no game. But this behavior is something that stems from toxic masculinity. Most times, it comes from a man not understanding how to deal with his emotions. Is that an excuse? Far from it! Rather, if we understand the problem, we can then work on a solution. There are many different signs to look for in these types of men, many of them have been deemed “cute” or desirable by many women. But, this is a very dangerous concept and has brought many women to a very toxic relationship. What are some signs to look for in men that may battle with this toxicity?

Extreme homophobia – Now many will disagree here, and that’s ok. But, a straight man does not have to worry about being gay. The only thing that makes a man gay is an attraction to another man. So when you have someone on an extreme level, it raises questions. Why is this even needed?

Extreme manliness – Someone who always has to prove that he is a man. They are not proving it to you, they are trying to prove it to themselves. There is a saying “what’s understood doesn’t need to be explained.”

No emotion – A man that does not understand how to release his emotion is very dangerous. That means he only knows anger. Now I am not saying find a man that will always cry, but, rather one that understands a balance of emotions is important.

Misogynistic – Now this should be a clear sign, but it is not. Many women find certain things appealing and many of those things fall in this category. We live in a new day and age, a lot of these ideas are very outdated and certain men will use these ideas to gain control, or to feed into their egos.

Now I hear what you are probably saying. “What does a new day and age have to do with this?” Listen, laws have changed, women are no longer only homemakers or maids, and women are now very vocal in how this world turns. So the idea that gender roles have a place in this world now is dated. But many men still hold those same ideas and live by them. It is very dangerous. How can we change this though?

If you know you struggle with some of these, seek help. It is perfectly fine to realize you have a problem, but it is not ok to never seek help. It is also our job to make sure we do all we can to not raise our kids with these behaviors. We should make sure we teach our boys and girls about this early. Remember we are always continuing to better ourselves, the moment you reach the point where you feel perfect? Then you definitely have a problem.


  1. It is important for women to understand men are vulnerable too! We can’t ask them to hold the weight of the world if we don’t take it off their hands from time to time. Times are changing for women and with that men should be allowed to be more well rounded as well!

  2. This is propaganda in my opinion. I have 5 and 7 year old boys. they do rough house but a)they never bully other kids b)in all the time I have been a father has any boy beat up my kids, c) when one does get hurt (which when rough houseing happens) I or their mother have never yelled at them and ordered them to stop crying and/or get back in the fight. Nor have any of the many groups of kids the play with act this way. I am sure it happens but it is more the exception than the norm. I am very low to middle class and to stay employed I have had to move around a lot. I rent because I can’t afford to by a house and have lived in or near Indianapolis, Atlanta, Raleigh, and south of Boston so I don’t feel like I am overly sheltered. I was never raised this way nor were my kids nor my friends growing up.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here